Crimson Reflections

This bimonthly theme for bibliotheca is “Baggage”, both in the physical sense of travel and in the metaphorical sense. While I could write a travel article like this one from 10 years ago: Lolita Blog Carnival : Packing Tips for [a Lazy] Lolita, I think I’ve reached a point where the metaphorical sort resonates with me more.

I pretty much stopped posting coords to groups like Daily Lolita / Closet of Frills several years ago. I still take photos, but I’m tired and I don’t want to deal with the photos being reposted and dissected on other platforms. And I realize that in writing this, I’m opening myself up to people seeking out photos in locations where I do post them to do exactly that, and god, I’m tired of having to consider that. I don’t even know if that still happens. I don’t even care about what people say, it’s not like I’m upset by critique. I just don’t like my photos being reposted like that. I don’t like the vibe of it.

I made a bluesky and was posting some of my otome outfits (particularly ones I wore to the office) and lolita coords. And I started getting compliments on my posts from an account called ‪’Secure, in Style’‬ and while I don’t think it’s specifically an account making fun of people, a part of me was teleported back to being in middle school and the popular girl telling me she liked my tie dye shirt I had made on the school summer camp trip and then her and her friends laughing at me when I said thank you. A part of me knew it was a trap, and yet, I had no idea what else to do but walk into it.

It doesn’t seem to matter how often I brush my hair, or what styling products I put in it. Somehow I’m always a little more windswept than my peers. Somehow my shoes are always a little more scuffed. The corners of my papers and notebooks are dogeared no matter how careful I am. Somehow I’m always just a little less well put together.

Even in lolita, where I know I put together strong coordinates, I’m constantly fighting with my wigs being tangled, my hair being messy, my photos being awkward, my makeup skills being not quite as good as my peers because I didn’t wear makeup as a teenager, not really. I didn’t care about it. It didn’t interest me. Even now, I put on makeup and I like the way it looks better than the way I look without it, but I don’t care about it. At least not enough to convince myself take the time to learn how to do it well.

Without going into too much detail, let’s just say the last few months of work have been… unprecedented. I have increasingly felt worried about sticking out. So, I’ve reverted back to more “traditional” business casual pieces in the last couple months. I have worn a few things from Kohls that I know are less “traditional”, but they are from a normie store. The other day a coworker who always looks nice commented that she “wished she could be me” and I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say at all. I just froze and I was instantly teleported back to being a child where compliments just made me want to crawl under a stone and vanish.

Sometimes, in lolita too, I feel a deep sense of not wanting to be perceived. I don’t mind people I don’t know in stores or whatever complimenting my clothes, I can put on my “retail smile” (those of you who have ever worked in a retail job or similar know exactly the one), and say thank you and play the part. But, when other lolita come up to me and compliment me earnestly? I struggle with that a lot. Even now, writing this, I know I’m deeply oversharing and I’m tempted to just erase the whole thing or let it rot in my drafts. To be honest, I let it sit a month and a half after writing it.

But… a part of me wonders how many other lolita feel this way and if they think they are alone in this feeling. So, I think, I want to post this, if only to say “you are not alone”.